Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
