just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can I color on your dick again?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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