Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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