So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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