I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
PANTIES FOUND
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