I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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