Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
