A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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