I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
