I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
