Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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