Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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