I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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