feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
