The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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