It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
