saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
