i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
its liver damage thursday
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