Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
