Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
