You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
