please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
