i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We left the knife in your bed.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
