He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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