I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
