Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
