she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
