then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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