He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
