My first STD was from a foam party
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
