he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
