the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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