How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
