walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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