Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Floor bacon is actually really good
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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