sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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