Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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