"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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