Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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