im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
