Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
