my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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