You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
