Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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