I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
