the condom got lost in my hair
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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