My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
