considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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