I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
