if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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