this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
