Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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