my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
