Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
