I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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