I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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